“The author who benefits you most is not the one who tells you something you did not know before, but the one who gives expression to the truth that has been dumbly struggling in you for utterance.” — Oswald Chambers
Excellent piece John. I really relate to much of your journey, though I eventually landed on Islam as the framework for what I felt was an inherent call for my embodied “spirituality”. I think you rightly point out that lack of community may be the sticking point as to why something still doesn’t feel right - alongside that feeling of just following your whims. This can be a challenge for me too. If it’s worth anything, even if you embrace Christianity again, or any other path; there will still be the work of finding or maybe moulding an expression of it which is unique to you. Having experienced other traditions I think you’re in a good position to intuit what resonates at a heart level. Most of all though, give yourself some grace. Some things we‘ll only truly know at the end of the journey— until then, keep your intentions pure (as they seem to be) and keep up the effort.
John, there is a lot of potential that you feel with your senses but can’t quite put a finger on. It — this potential — is what worth pursuing. Not religion of any sort.
Religions are the threads on this fractal that curl down, and inward, because they all end up deciding to not seek anymore but to stay put. That is why you left, to seek.
I’m no guru or Sam Harris. But replacing one master book with another is not going to give any answers.
The acceptance that answers are out there is what’s most joyful, I think.
Sprouting fractal out and away from the previous cycle.
Excellent writing John, well thought out. It breaks my heart to hear about the trauma of heavy duty guilt and other baggage that often comes from a religious upbringing. I was fortunate enough to not have that experience, and came into spiritual practice on my own as an adult. Your key question- is God real?- seems to be what’s really burning inside you and I would bet that you won’t become settled or satisfied until you find out on your own. Not in a book or a podcast or a sermon, but directly within your own heart. For this, myself and countless others through the ages have used meditation. But it is said by some in India that your practice won’t reveal God unless it’s Guru given, because we need to receive the activation of Shakti within us by shaktipat transmission. This is performed by the Guru, or their representative. The other point to remember is another ancient Indian saying- when the student is ready, the teacher appears.
So I don’t want to lecture you or come off as a weirdo, rather I could understand and empathize with your situation so I just wanted to give you the honest truth as I best understand it. Maybe pray to God, however awkwardly, that you REALLY want to know the Truth, and you are willing to go to any lengths for it, if that’s true for you.
Your comment didn't come off as pedantic or weird at all! I totally agree -- so much about life has to do with timing and readiness. I'm trying to view the world with as radically open of a mind as possible
I believe you have to do what you have to do. So, writing this post is a little difficult. IMHO organized religion is almost always a way to control people.
I was raised in the southern US, the Bible belt. I'm 73. In my 30s I had to find a relationship with God in order to recover from alcoholism and maintain sobriety (and sanity). I have held to a somewhat vague, basically Western concept of God throughout. I have joined some very conservative churches, although my politics aren't conservative at all.
I understand your longing.
I didn't find anything in organized religion except a group of people organizing themselves the way people do. There was always a hierarchy.
The last several years my concept of god has undergone a fundamental change. Despair, not only over politics, but mainly over the crisis of losing the earth's ecosystems and the many non-human species that have become extinct or are threatened by extinction, forced me to reevaluate what I believed and why.
My current idea of God is best defined as the spirit of the universe, the creative spirit that can sometimes bring me joy in the beauty of trees, or the activities of animals.
I have no more understanding than that.
I admire your involvement with volunteer work.
FWIW, I learned three principles that helped me recover from alcoholism and which have proved reliable over the years:
1. Trust God, even though I don't understand why the evil of this world has gained such dominance, and balance seems to be lost.
2. Be as rigorously honest with myself as I can be about my emotions and my motives and my actions. Face the ugly in myself and release it to my higher power.
3. Service without reward, give without keeping score.
Meditation helps when I have the discipline (rarely) and I still pray for the animals, that in whatever they face the spirit will keep them from hurting too much.
Great article John! Thank you for writing and sharing.
I, as well, am a son of a minister/chaplain (Protestant, in my case). Still I rebelled a bit in my youth, unwilling to accept any form of dogmatic “truth.” The idea that I was supposed to believe something just because someone said so, or it was in a book, was never enough for me. I, too, declared myself an “agnostic,” as “I don’t know” felt like the only truthful answer I could give to the question of a divine existence. Still, I harbored an almost secret envy of those that had an unwavering faith —especially those that had some direct experience in their life that led them to this core belief. Some would say, “first cultivated belief, and the faith will come.” I just couldn’t do that. I couldn’t accept this lackluster approach. I liked clean cut geometric proofs where the logic proves itself. “Proof? That’s the opposite of faith,” some would say. Maybe. Or maybe I just haven’t had that direct experience with the divine that felt convincing enough. Still there was a yearning.
This! This was the gut punch in your writing… the “pressing need for community, structure, and direction towards change.” […] the desire to “share vulnerabilities and explore the meaning of life with other people.” […] the yearning “for growth and radical transformation.” Missing that “deep sustenance”!
Yes! And DITTO!
Your quote from Rabbi Wolpe is an interesting one. It seems to downplay spirituality, and make religion something more robust and meaningful. Given his vocation, the emphasis makes sense. After describing yourself as exploring spirituality and how it brought you peace, I’m curious where you land on this sentiment.
For me, I struggle with both words. “Spiritual” feels to lose to me, without any defined orientation. However, “religion” feels much too rigid, taking its dogmatic “truths” and practices much too seriously to allow for an open understanding of different perspectives.
I wonder if there is another word that bridges these two. I’m not sure what it is. But I’ll continue to search, or better yet, I’ll join you on the “hunt.”
You are a funny dude, John. I find myself smirking or even laughing out loud with every piece of yours I read. You have a gift for making the deeper things fun.
What I most appreciate is your refusal to ignore what lies within you. You know something is off, and instead of doom-scrolling or nodding with the rest of the lemmings, you ask why. You dig deeper. You wonder if there is more or if something is missing.
And I think this piece gives others the space and encouragement to ask us to look within and ask if we are okay. Are we happy? Am I letting the hurts of my youth, my issues with my parents, and whatever grief we’ve suffered — am I letting this harm me? And if I am, it’s time to find a better way, even if that means returning to the religion of my father.
It came out so well! Bravo. I look forward to future installments about your relationship with religion. This was worth all the iterations and effort. You actually inspired me to dig more into this question with others and inside myself.
I can relate to so much of what you said, especially now that my children begin asking big questions. I don't really need a church for myself, I need it for them so that they have a foundation to build their whole world upon. The main thing that's stopping me from taking them to my childhood church is I don't want them to grow up paralyzed by fear, guilt, and shame like I did. There must be some other way.
Also, there is a Christian ayahuasca center called Kumankaya in Mexico… if you long to directly know God, that is one place I can recommend 🙏🏼
At the same time, I would say we all already know God, for God is another word for suprapersonal reality itself… all experience is God. We often need to go on deep journeys to discover what that means though. Best wishes 🙏🏼❤️🔥
Spirituality makes sense when it means “of the human spirit”, where spirit means “of the patterns in the mind"; thoughts opinions, priorities, wishes, dreams, preferences, memories, desires, etc. In any typical sense it's just woo bullshit.
Lovely piece! Having had an eerily VERY similar childhood and mid-20s breakdown, it resonated deeply. I’d love to think more on my own experience and feel inspired to write a piece on it soon.
I started making some notes yesterday and it’s like, a lot 😅. I look forward to reading more of your stuff and I’ll make sure to tag you as my source of inspiration when I get something out on this topic!
John, this is such a real post. I can feel the weight of what you’re going through, and I respect the hell out of you for being this honest. It’s not easy to question everything you were raised on and admit that what you’re doing now isn’t hitting the way you thought it would. That takes guts. We're all putting a lot of pressure on ourselves to have it all figured out, but maybe we all have to go try stuff and see what sticks.
Curious if you see Nature as a source of spiritual understanding. I’ve been a seeker all of my life, and haven’t liked the binds of creed. The earliest practices honored the Universe. People (especially men) have tried to contrive what’s naturally in place to proselytize and sell their perspective, but that’s not actually being spiritually grounded. The universal wisdoms need no structure. It’s invisible, but it’s real. One’s mind needs to be wide open to experiencing the unbelievable/ the impossible
Nature = Truth & Beauty
IMO—
Just a slant on the thing you call bs…
Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t— but it’s each person’s task to figure out what gives them a sense of peace. No organized religion can really do that for you.
God 👏 damn it 👏 John 👏
“The author who benefits you most is not the one who tells you something you did not know before, but the one who gives expression to the truth that has been dumbly struggling in you for utterance.” — Oswald Chambers
Excellent piece John. I really relate to much of your journey, though I eventually landed on Islam as the framework for what I felt was an inherent call for my embodied “spirituality”. I think you rightly point out that lack of community may be the sticking point as to why something still doesn’t feel right - alongside that feeling of just following your whims. This can be a challenge for me too. If it’s worth anything, even if you embrace Christianity again, or any other path; there will still be the work of finding or maybe moulding an expression of it which is unique to you. Having experienced other traditions I think you’re in a good position to intuit what resonates at a heart level. Most of all though, give yourself some grace. Some things we‘ll only truly know at the end of the journey— until then, keep your intentions pure (as they seem to be) and keep up the effort.
John, there is a lot of potential that you feel with your senses but can’t quite put a finger on. It — this potential — is what worth pursuing. Not religion of any sort.
Religions are the threads on this fractal that curl down, and inward, because they all end up deciding to not seek anymore but to stay put. That is why you left, to seek.
I’m no guru or Sam Harris. But replacing one master book with another is not going to give any answers.
The acceptance that answers are out there is what’s most joyful, I think.
Sprouting fractal out and away from the previous cycle.
🌌
Excellent writing John, well thought out. It breaks my heart to hear about the trauma of heavy duty guilt and other baggage that often comes from a religious upbringing. I was fortunate enough to not have that experience, and came into spiritual practice on my own as an adult. Your key question- is God real?- seems to be what’s really burning inside you and I would bet that you won’t become settled or satisfied until you find out on your own. Not in a book or a podcast or a sermon, but directly within your own heart. For this, myself and countless others through the ages have used meditation. But it is said by some in India that your practice won’t reveal God unless it’s Guru given, because we need to receive the activation of Shakti within us by shaktipat transmission. This is performed by the Guru, or their representative. The other point to remember is another ancient Indian saying- when the student is ready, the teacher appears.
So I don’t want to lecture you or come off as a weirdo, rather I could understand and empathize with your situation so I just wanted to give you the honest truth as I best understand it. Maybe pray to God, however awkwardly, that you REALLY want to know the Truth, and you are willing to go to any lengths for it, if that’s true for you.
Best wishes!
Your comment didn't come off as pedantic or weird at all! I totally agree -- so much about life has to do with timing and readiness. I'm trying to view the world with as radically open of a mind as possible
I believe you have to do what you have to do. So, writing this post is a little difficult. IMHO organized religion is almost always a way to control people.
I was raised in the southern US, the Bible belt. I'm 73. In my 30s I had to find a relationship with God in order to recover from alcoholism and maintain sobriety (and sanity). I have held to a somewhat vague, basically Western concept of God throughout. I have joined some very conservative churches, although my politics aren't conservative at all.
I understand your longing.
I didn't find anything in organized religion except a group of people organizing themselves the way people do. There was always a hierarchy.
The last several years my concept of god has undergone a fundamental change. Despair, not only over politics, but mainly over the crisis of losing the earth's ecosystems and the many non-human species that have become extinct or are threatened by extinction, forced me to reevaluate what I believed and why.
My current idea of God is best defined as the spirit of the universe, the creative spirit that can sometimes bring me joy in the beauty of trees, or the activities of animals.
I have no more understanding than that.
I admire your involvement with volunteer work.
FWIW, I learned three principles that helped me recover from alcoholism and which have proved reliable over the years:
1. Trust God, even though I don't understand why the evil of this world has gained such dominance, and balance seems to be lost.
2. Be as rigorously honest with myself as I can be about my emotions and my motives and my actions. Face the ugly in myself and release it to my higher power.
3. Service without reward, give without keeping score.
Meditation helps when I have the discipline (rarely) and I still pray for the animals, that in whatever they face the spirit will keep them from hurting too much.
I apologize if this post is TMI or presumptuous.
Great article John! Thank you for writing and sharing.
I, as well, am a son of a minister/chaplain (Protestant, in my case). Still I rebelled a bit in my youth, unwilling to accept any form of dogmatic “truth.” The idea that I was supposed to believe something just because someone said so, or it was in a book, was never enough for me. I, too, declared myself an “agnostic,” as “I don’t know” felt like the only truthful answer I could give to the question of a divine existence. Still, I harbored an almost secret envy of those that had an unwavering faith —especially those that had some direct experience in their life that led them to this core belief. Some would say, “first cultivated belief, and the faith will come.” I just couldn’t do that. I couldn’t accept this lackluster approach. I liked clean cut geometric proofs where the logic proves itself. “Proof? That’s the opposite of faith,” some would say. Maybe. Or maybe I just haven’t had that direct experience with the divine that felt convincing enough. Still there was a yearning.
This! This was the gut punch in your writing… the “pressing need for community, structure, and direction towards change.” […] the desire to “share vulnerabilities and explore the meaning of life with other people.” […] the yearning “for growth and radical transformation.” Missing that “deep sustenance”!
Yes! And DITTO!
Your quote from Rabbi Wolpe is an interesting one. It seems to downplay spirituality, and make religion something more robust and meaningful. Given his vocation, the emphasis makes sense. After describing yourself as exploring spirituality and how it brought you peace, I’m curious where you land on this sentiment.
For me, I struggle with both words. “Spiritual” feels to lose to me, without any defined orientation. However, “religion” feels much too rigid, taking its dogmatic “truths” and practices much too seriously to allow for an open understanding of different perspectives.
I wonder if there is another word that bridges these two. I’m not sure what it is. But I’ll continue to search, or better yet, I’ll join you on the “hunt.”
You are a funny dude, John. I find myself smirking or even laughing out loud with every piece of yours I read. You have a gift for making the deeper things fun.
What I most appreciate is your refusal to ignore what lies within you. You know something is off, and instead of doom-scrolling or nodding with the rest of the lemmings, you ask why. You dig deeper. You wonder if there is more or if something is missing.
And I think this piece gives others the space and encouragement to ask us to look within and ask if we are okay. Are we happy? Am I letting the hurts of my youth, my issues with my parents, and whatever grief we’ve suffered — am I letting this harm me? And if I am, it’s time to find a better way, even if that means returning to the religion of my father.
Damn, John. So good.
It came out so well! Bravo. I look forward to future installments about your relationship with religion. This was worth all the iterations and effort. You actually inspired me to dig more into this question with others and inside myself.
I appreciate the personal reflection, sense of quest, and spiky title. Nice piece, John.
I can relate to so much of what you said, especially now that my children begin asking big questions. I don't really need a church for myself, I need it for them so that they have a foundation to build their whole world upon. The main thing that's stopping me from taking them to my childhood church is I don't want them to grow up paralyzed by fear, guilt, and shame like I did. There must be some other way.
You may find this recent piece of mine on meta-religion a valuable bridge: https://open.substack.com/pub/jordanbates/p/28-principles-of-meta-religion?r=ubft&utm_medium=ios
Also, there is a Christian ayahuasca center called Kumankaya in Mexico… if you long to directly know God, that is one place I can recommend 🙏🏼
At the same time, I would say we all already know God, for God is another word for suprapersonal reality itself… all experience is God. We often need to go on deep journeys to discover what that means though. Best wishes 🙏🏼❤️🔥
Spirituality makes sense when it means “of the human spirit”, where spirit means “of the patterns in the mind"; thoughts opinions, priorities, wishes, dreams, preferences, memories, desires, etc. In any typical sense it's just woo bullshit.
Agreed here. I want to feel some structure, depth, and thoughtfulness. Not just the vibes of the whimsical.
Lovely piece! Having had an eerily VERY similar childhood and mid-20s breakdown, it resonated deeply. I’d love to think more on my own experience and feel inspired to write a piece on it soon.
Thank you for reading! I'd love to read about your experience and perspective on things.
I started making some notes yesterday and it’s like, a lot 😅. I look forward to reading more of your stuff and I’ll make sure to tag you as my source of inspiration when I get something out on this topic!
John, this is such a real post. I can feel the weight of what you’re going through, and I respect the hell out of you for being this honest. It’s not easy to question everything you were raised on and admit that what you’re doing now isn’t hitting the way you thought it would. That takes guts. We're all putting a lot of pressure on ourselves to have it all figured out, but maybe we all have to go try stuff and see what sticks.
Curious if you see Nature as a source of spiritual understanding. I’ve been a seeker all of my life, and haven’t liked the binds of creed. The earliest practices honored the Universe. People (especially men) have tried to contrive what’s naturally in place to proselytize and sell their perspective, but that’s not actually being spiritually grounded. The universal wisdoms need no structure. It’s invisible, but it’s real. One’s mind needs to be wide open to experiencing the unbelievable/ the impossible
Nature = Truth & Beauty
IMO—
Just a slant on the thing you call bs…
Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t— but it’s each person’s task to figure out what gives them a sense of peace. No organized religion can really do that for you.
This gave me a great laugh because this is a wonderful piece that made feel my own path. Good luck on what happens next!